Talking To Children About Death
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No matter your beliefs about what happens after we die, talking about death can be hard. What is even harder, is talking to children about death. But is so important to do.
It has been a hard month around here.
Within the past month, we had to say goodbye to two beloved family members – my grandmother and my uncle.
But the conversations with my children have been surprisingly easy.
Don’t get me wrong. Telling the children that their great grandmother, aged 97, died was hard. She was a very special woman in their lives, in
But it was easy because they know what death is.
A Special Bond
My eldest son spent a lot of time with his great grandmother, Nana.
They would go on adventures into the wilderness in search of the first spring flowers. The trilliums and crocus were always their favourites to find. They would go on drives to see the peach trees blossoming and the listen to the birds singing.
Four generations: my sons, myself, my mother, and Nana.
We would do on these trips and just enjoy the moment. There was never any rush – that was something Nana always embodied and celebrated. No matter what she was doing, she would take her time. Nana would always take the time to watch the skies for butterflies or birds and always check the ponds and streams for signs of life. Even when eating, she took her time and enjoyed her food.
No rush, just enjoyment.
As Nana got older, and moved into care facilities, we would still embrace these moments. We would go visit her every week or sometimes twice a week.
Our weekly visits continued until we moved across the country. But even then, she held a special place in the hearts of my children, and myself. We would often talk about Nana and wonder what she was up to. My mom would send us pictures and stories of their adventures that they continued to have.
When we would go back home to visit, we always made sure to set aside special time for Nana.
Lucas’ bond with her never diminished. He went from walking along side her walker to pushing her wheelchair. He never even thought twice about it. She was just a special person to him.
Introducing The Topic Of Death To Your Children
When my children were 2 and 4 years old, they first experienced death. Our beloved budgie, Billy, passed away. They saw him die and we talked them through the experience.
They began asking questions and we answered them truthfully and honestly with the most clear language possible. After he died, they decided to hold a funeral for Billy. They decorated a little cardboard box and we went to the garden center and bought a beautiful plant. We buried Billy in the garden and planted his plant on top of him as a celebration of his life.
As macabre as it may sound, we also talk to our children about our wishes for our bodies when we die. This is an important conversation to have, whether with your children or with your parents.
- Do you want to be cremated?
- What kind of tombstone do you want (if you even want one)?
- End of life support
The last one is especially important. Do you know the wishes of your loved ones for when the time comes?
Since then, my children have lost many other pets (mainly fish). With each death, we take the time to celebrate and respect the life that was. We also usually add a new plant to our collection because plants are perfect examples of the circle of life. How decomposition can create wonderful soil and feed a beautiful plant and nourish new creatures.
My children have only been to one human funeral but, sadly, have mourned the loss and celebrated the life of more from home.
Funerals in my family tend to be approached a little differently than what appears to be the norm. Our family has always approach funerals as celebrations of life as opposed to the mourning of their death. Sure, we mourn, but we also remember who the person was. We share wonderful memories and reflect
We are still celebrating Nana’s life. Yesterday we noticed the spring flowers are starting to emerge. That was always Nana’s favourite.
Death has been a common conversation around our home for the past few months.
Our dog, Cosmo, is 14 years old.
He is an extra large dog who had a stroke 5 years ago. His life expectancy, according to his vet, was around 8-10 years. Over the past few months, his age has really been showing. He is slower to move and is having bad days more frequently then he ever has in the past, even after his stroke.
We have been talking to our children about death and preparing them for saying goodbye to Cosmo. We know it is inevitable and we do not want to ignore it. It will not be a shock to them when he dies, for we have prepared them ahead of time.
We have talked about end of life support. If need be, we plan of having a vet come to our house to give him medicine to help him die comfortably (not “be put to sleep”). We have talked about how we will handle his body and what the cremation process entails.
We have answered all their questions except the unknown – when will he die?
The Words We Use
The words we use when talking to children about death should be simple and easy to understand.
We tend to say things like “they went to sleep” or is “in a better place”.
While these things might seem like the right thing to say, they are often confusing for children. We do not want our children to become afraid of going to bed in case they never wake up. You also do not want them to be afraid that their loved one will wake up after being buried. Saying things like “it was God’s will” might seem like an appropriate thing to say but you also do not want anger towards God for taking their loved ones.
Remember, children take things literally. They do not always understand the metaphors and analogies.
Feel free to express your beliefs about what happens after death. If you believe that a person goes to heaven when they die, then talk about what you believe heaven to be. If you believe in reincarnation, talk about that. Perhaps you see death in a more simplistic fashion and the body just gets returned to the earth to become rich soil for new plants to grow one – then talk about that.
There is no need to
Your children might have questions about what has happened. Try and answer them as clearly and as honestly as possible. It is also okay to admit that you do not know the answer to certain things. But do not ignore the questions. They are working through the emotions related to loosing a loved one, just like you are. Help each other.
Be concrete in your words and do not be afraid of death.
You cannot get wet by the word water.
Alan Watts
Death does not need to be a scary word. It simply describes a part of the circle of life.
Share Your Feelings
It is okay to be sad.
And it is okay to show that sadness to your children. There is not need to mourn in silence and alone.
Talk about your feeling and what you are going through. This will help your children be able to process their own emotions. Hiding and suppressing emotions is not a healthy approach to death. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry.
We also communicate in non-verbal ways. If you need a hug, embrace those hugs. Physical touch can be such a comforting thing. Sometimes sitting together, snuggled up on the couch, is all the communication you need. Body language can be a valuable way to express yourself.
Body language is valuable but don’t forget the importance of words.
We have been having open conversations with our children about what happens when someone dies. It is a raw, emotional, and difficult thing to do. Talking to children about death can be so hard.
We don’t want to talk about it because it is hard.
It is hard. But it is so important to help them understand the circle of life and what really happens when they have to say goodbye to a loved one.
Talk to your children about death, please.
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